I did both options for you as examples. you only have to do one or the other (or both if you wish). they all read differently... i hope i didn't slip up somewhere and get things mixed up
Option 1
Passive Voice:
“Why haven’t you found them yet?” Lord Eliv is shouting at his mercenaries. They are gathered in a parlor room of an inn.
“We have searched everywhere, My Lord,” a mercenary is saying in a quavering voice.
“I have been very patient with you. If they are not found within the week I will have your innards strung up a tree. And that goes for the rest of you as well.”
Under the floorboards upon which Eliv and his mercenaries are standing, there is a small storage room. Peter is hanging from grapplers that he has attached to the ceiling. Through a crack in the boards, Peter is listening to the conversation above.
“Maybe they disguised themselves?” another mercenary is saying in a hesitant voice.
Eliv becomes still. His blue eyes are becoming ice cold knives of steel. “‘Maybe they disguised themselves?’” he is sneering. “Of course they disguised themselves you imbecile! You have spent all this time looking for the same three people you saw at the inn? Did you think they would just wonder into Mabid feeling like the world was made of sunshine after your failure to kill them?”
Not one mercenary was willing to meet his fierce gaze, nor willing to answer him. Eliv is seething with anger. “You are supposed to be looking for two men and a woman traveling together.”
“How do we know they are still in Mabid?”
Eliv’s glare at the mercenary who spoke becomes dagger-like. “That’s my business. You just find them.”
While the mercenaries file out of the room, Peter has released the grapplers from the ceiling and is putting them in his sack, when he stops to listen to another voice above. “My Lord,” the thug is saying in a quavering voice. “I’m not very skilled with magic, but I can sense when people are nearby…”
“And?”
“Well, there’s someone else here. Possibly a spy.”
“Find them.” He yells at the others who are already leaving the inn. “Get back here!” They are shuddering as one man and are shuffling back to Eliv. “Search this place for spies. A thousand gold pieces to the man who finds them.”
The mercenaries begin to look around. Peter is exiting by way of a small window that hardly looks wide enough for him to fit through. His exit is in a back alley. The Mercenaries are still searching the inside of the building. Peter is stepping out of the alley and into the knife of the same thug who had sensed him with his magic. “Put your hands where I can see them.”
The thug is educated in a valuable lesson, as he is falling to the ground. Peter is showing his hands to the thug’s empty eyes. One of them is holding a dagger coated in blood. “See?”
Active Voice:
“Why haven’t you found them yet?” asks Lord Eliv.
“We have searched everywhere, My Lord,” says a mercenary.
“I have been very patient with you. If they are not found within the week I will have your innards strung up a tree. And that goes for the rest of you as well.”
Under the floorboards, Peter hangs from grapplers attached to the ceiling in the room below. He listens to the conversation above.
“Maybe they disguised themselves?” says another mercenary.
Eliv stiffens and his lip curls. His blue eyes harden to ice cold knives of steel. “‘Maybe they disguised themselves?’” he sneers. “Of course they disguised themselves you imbecile! You have spent all this time looking for the same three people you saw at the inn? Did you think they would just wonder into Mabid feeling like the world was made of sunshine after your failure to kill them?”
Not one mercenary meets his fierce gaze, nor answers him. Eliv seethes with anger. “Just look for three people traveling together!”
“How do we know they are still in Mabid?”
Eliv’s glare bores into the mercenary who spoke. “That’s my business. You just find them.”
The mercenaries file out of the room. Peter releases the grapplers from the ceiling and puts them in his sack. He stops and listens to another voice above.
“My Lord,” says the thug. “I’m not very skilled with magic, but I can sense when people are nearby…”
“And?”
“There’s someone else here. Possibly a spy.”
“Find him.” He yells at the others, “Get back here!” They shudder as one man and shuffle back to Eliv. “Search the place for a spy. A thousand gold pieces to the man who finds him.”
The mercenaries scatter. Peter exits by way of a small window. He comes out in an alley. The Mercenaries still search inside. Peter steps out of the alley and into the knife of a thug. “Put your hands where I can see them.”
The thug learns a valuable lesson, and falls to the ground. Peter holds his hands in front of the thug’s empty eyes. He holds a dagger coated in blood. “See?”
Option 2
Passive and Active Voices
“Why haven’t you found them yet?” Lord Eliv shouts.
“We have searched everywhere, My Lord,” says a mercenary in a quavering voice.
“I have been very patient with you. If they are not found within the week I will have your innards strung up a tree. And that goes for the rest of you as well.”
Under the floorboards, Peter hangs from grapplers attached to the ceiling of the room below. Through a crack in the boards, Peter listens to the conversation above.
“Maybe they disguised themselves?” says another mercenary in a hesitant voice.
Eliv stiffens and his lip curls. His blue eyes are like ice cold knives of steel. “‘Maybe they disguised themselves?’” he sneers. “Of course they disguised themselves you imbecile! You have spent all this time looking for the same three people you saw at the inn? Did you think they would just wonder into Mabid feeling like the world was made of sunshine after your failure to kill them?”
Not one mercenary meets his fierce gaze, nor answers him. Eliv seethes with anger. “You are supposed to be looking for two men and a woman traveling together.”
“How do we know they are still in Mabid?”
Eliv’s glare bores into the mercenary who spoke. “That’s my business. You just find them.”
As the mercenaries file out of the room, Peter releases the grapplers and puts them in his sack. He stops and listens as another voice is heard above. “My Lord,” the thug hesitates as Eliv’s eyes narrow. “I’m not very skilled with magic, but I can sense when people are nearby…”
“And?”
“Well, there’s someone else here. Possibly a spy.”
“Find him.” He yells at the others already leaving the inn, “Get back here!” They shudder as one man and shuffle back to Eliv. “A thousand gold pieces to the man who finds the spy.”
The mercenaries scatter. Peter exits by way of a small window and comes out into a back alley. Peter leaves the alley and walks into the knife of the same thug who had sensed him with his magic. “Put your hands where I can see them.”
The thug learns a valuable lesson, and falls to the ground. Peter holds his hands in front of the thug’s empty eyes. In one of them, he holds a dagger coated in blood. “See?”
Elizabeth Williamson Copyright © 2009
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Saturday, August 1, 2009
TOPIC: ACTIVE VOICE VS PASSIVE VOICE
this is an exercise on active and passive voice.
active - relating to or denoting the voice that attributes the action of the verb to the person or thing from which is logically proceeds - ex. she ran
passive - denoting or relating to a voice of verbs in which the subject undergoes the action of the verb - ex. she was running
what emotions are conveyed by each example? active voice gets the blood pumping and builds tension. why did she run? was she running from or to? what's going on? passive voice is just that; passive. ho hum. she was running, that's nice. passive is more for inner reflection and questions. there is no action involved.
when in the mind of a character passive reveals the character to the reader, but needs active punctuation to keep the reader from becoming indifferent. passive uses more than one verb. usually 'to be' + verb. never use passive as a dialogue tag. 'he was saying' is jarring to the eyeballs.
action ALWAYS needs active. keep readers on the edge of their seats. make them sit up and take notice. during high tension action shorter sentences are better. don't muck about with descriptions. say exactly what's happening and move on to the next action. 'she hit him, spat in his face and ran.' that's a lot of visual in a few short words.
ok now let's put this to use. you have 2 options here. option 1: write a scene all in passive then the same scene all in active (post both together). this will give us an opportunity to see the effects of each doing what they do. option 2: write a scene using both passive and active. a story well laid out is it's own reward. (either way it is ok to post something you have already written, it does not have to be something new)
active - relating to or denoting the voice that attributes the action of the verb to the person or thing from which is logically proceeds - ex. she ran
passive - denoting or relating to a voice of verbs in which the subject undergoes the action of the verb - ex. she was running
what emotions are conveyed by each example? active voice gets the blood pumping and builds tension. why did she run? was she running from or to? what's going on? passive voice is just that; passive. ho hum. she was running, that's nice. passive is more for inner reflection and questions. there is no action involved.
when in the mind of a character passive reveals the character to the reader, but needs active punctuation to keep the reader from becoming indifferent. passive uses more than one verb. usually 'to be' + verb. never use passive as a dialogue tag. 'he was saying' is jarring to the eyeballs.
action ALWAYS needs active. keep readers on the edge of their seats. make them sit up and take notice. during high tension action shorter sentences are better. don't muck about with descriptions. say exactly what's happening and move on to the next action. 'she hit him, spat in his face and ran.' that's a lot of visual in a few short words.
ok now let's put this to use. you have 2 options here. option 1: write a scene all in passive then the same scene all in active (post both together). this will give us an opportunity to see the effects of each doing what they do. option 2: write a scene using both passive and active. a story well laid out is it's own reward. (either way it is ok to post something you have already written, it does not have to be something new)
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