Friday, November 7, 2008

A Halloween story -" Until Stan comes along "

Is it that time again, I thought to myself? There is a chill in the air and leaves are changing color. Tomorrow the trick-or-treaters will come to our door.

This year seems a little more thought provoking as the wind makes the leaves dance and the branches sway. I’m not as young as I used to be. Living in a small town, everything is nearby and it is so easy to get where I need to go. People are always smiling and sharing stories. However, it seems to have gotten quiet around here since the damaging tornado this summer. People just don’t seem to come over much anymore. My phone seems to have just stopped ringing. Things will change though it’s the holidays. When people are reminded to connect with those they love. Oh, how I treasure the holidays.

I wish people weren’t so busy all the time. My son and his family very seldom come to the house anymore. They always seem to be on a schedule, and very preoccupied when they stop by. It is like they have somewhere else to be. None the less my son always takes care of the things I am unable to do myself.

When he was a young boy he was always mindful of the things that were dangerous for me to do. He would go to great lengths to keep me off the step ladder. He would say, “Mom let me do that for you.” as he would climb up and knock the spider webs from the ceiling fan. I guess now that my dearly departed husband, Stan, is gone he knows when it needs to be taken care of. Ever mindful of my needs, I really cherish him for all that he does.

My grandson is truly the apple of my eye. He reminds me of his father in so many ways. Whenever he comes to visit he always has a smile. He always brings something he has for show and tell. We sit on the love seat and share smiles and giggles until he gets the wiggles and climbs down to get a juice box or snack from the kitchen.

There was a time my son used to ask me to sell the house and move in with his family. I always appreciated it, but how would they have their privacy with me around. I guess after a while he didn’t want to pester me about it, so he quit asking. This only comes to mind because of the occasional faces in the window. It is unnerving as this younger generation feels it is ok to peer into an old ladies home. It only happens on occasion, and seldom is it the same person. However, this is my home, and I don’t appreciate the intrusions on my personal space.

Oh dear, they left me. I wanted to thank Charles for his help, but I was so deep in thought I didn’t get an opportunity to say goodbye. I am glad that he put a timer on the lights maybe it will keep unwelcome peeping toms away. Being alone all the time, I don’t want to worry about intruders. This home is gently loved like I am, and it is beginning to have its own creaks and moans.

Oh thank goodness Charles left a few bags of Halloween candies for the trick r’ treaters. I won’t have to pick up any candy at the store for Halloween.
I suppose I will do a little more reading before I go to bed. What’s this, my book has been closed again? I nearly forgot what page I am on. Madeline must have closed my book. She is a dear girl, but I wish as my daughter in law she wouldn’t do that. I am sure it’s to keep Sammy from coloring on, or tearing the pages. I need to remember to put my book up so that won’t happen anymore.

It is wonderful to read stories that take me back to moments in time no one seems to remember anymore. Oh how I long for those days, a time when men were men, and it was wonderful to be a lady. Where was I, oh yes page 37. The 1947 Chevy and a Cracker Jack box…

How long have I been reading? My goodness it is so late. I have lost track of time.
Well, there’s nothing I need to do in the morning, so I… What was that noise? It must be the wind. I don’t see anything. I will leave the lights on all over the house. I will check the tree branches in the morning. If there is a branch that needs cut down Charles will take care of it. I will see him tomorrow when he brings Sammy over to trick or treat and help me hand out candies. Off to bed I go.

Oh my, I must have been frightfully tired. It is already mid day. I should check the tree where the noise came from. Maybe there is a branch too close to the window. What is this? Why are there footprints in my flower bed? Who was here? I better go call Charles now.

The phone doesn’t have a dial tone… what has happened? I am frightened now. What am I going to do? It doesn’t look like anyone is around now. I’ve got to regain my composure, watch and wait. I’ll just turn on the radio and read more of my book. Charles will fix everything.

Who’s there? Charles is that you? I walked into the foyer to find a little Sammy dressed like a pirate. His eye patch is over his forehead and his sword is strapped to his waist. His bandana covers what little hair he has and he looks ready to gather his bounty. “Oh you are a sight for sore eyes”, I said. Madeline followed close behind dressed as a fair maiden. “Oh my, you all look wonderful. Where’s Charles?” I asked. Madeline looked at Sammy as he leaned toward the doorway and said, “ Daddy will be inside in a moment ” Madeline said. “I am so glad you all are here. I believe there has been someone lurking around outside. I think they almost broke in last night. Come over to the window.” Just as I was showing Madeline where I suspected the trespassers were to be lurking about, Charles popped up in the window startling both of us. Then he called for Madeline to come outside.

Sammy was inside so I stayed with him. I could over hear Charles and Madeline’s conversation.

“Ever since mom passed away, I have worried about this home being robbed or broken into. You know honey we should make a decision about selling or moving in here. I think there are homeless people who are lurking about mom’s home. It would break her heart if she were here.”

I fell to my knees pulling the drapery off the window. “Dead! Who’s dead? How? When did I die?” I stammered. Hearing the noise they ran into the house thinking something had happened to Sammy.

There he stood looking at me. I stood and he joined me. We went to sit on the love seat.
He can see me; why can’t they? “Son, I am here!” Charles turned his head, looking at Madeline he asked, “Did you hear something? What is that…I thought I heard a woman’s voice?” Charles returned with, “Did you turn on the music?” “NO!” she replied.

Looking around the room, Madeline noticed my book. “Did you open your mom’s book?” she said, tapping Charles on the shoulder “NO! I didn’t.” Worried, she continued,
“What is going on here? Charles didn’t you turn out the lights last night and set the timer?” They both turned a pale shade of white. They moved about the house looking in all the rooms. Madeline’s voice rang from upstairs, “Charles the bed is turned down, but there isn’t any sign of anyone breaking in!”

Where is Sammy? What is he doing? They both reached the side of the love seat. Sammy pointed in my direction, he said boldly, “Grand ma!” Shocked, Charles a believer said “Mom are you there? Move something... make a noise!” Feeling a little bit ridiculous, and still a bit confused I turned off the music. They both sat where they had been just standing. “Mom, can you do that again?” I turned on the music. Eventually, it became a code. Soon their questions were answered.

Charles gained composure, and explained the freak accident that took my life. I still am not sure why I didn’t pass on. However, I know now that Halloween night is when I am the strongest. At times they can almost see me. Charles refers to that Halloween night as the night my mom came to live with me. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’m delighted to stay here until Stan comes to get me.

A Haloween story - Until Stan comes along."
Alisa Lucas -Aka. Max LucasCopyright © 2008

6 comments:

Ken Chandler said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ken Chandler said...

I started 'suspecting' that she was _________ (don't want to spoil it) about half way through. You dropped a few hints, but not obvious ones, so good job there; the fact that I read mostly fantasy/sci-fi stories probably contributed to my 'seeing it coming'. It's really clever.

Just a few thoughts (since you insist):

The title is misleading, and it threw me off when I started reading.
The title is referring to the son's comment at the end, but the story is written from the Grandma's perspective. I was confused because the title says "my mom moved in with me", but it's Grandma's story (not the son's). See what I mean?
A possible solution might be to change the title to "Moving Day" or "The Day I Moved in With My Son's Family" or something irritating like that.

You might reduce the number of details regarding her life. Let the action and introduction of characters tell the story, rather than using flashbacks or her pondering over her life. It kind've lags in some places (mostly at the start though). Skip to the punch.
I'm not suggesting that you take out all of her ponderings, just limit them to a few, then get to the meat of the story, or the action/drama.

Allow her interaction with her grandson tell us that he's the apple of her eye (rather than having her narrate that fact).

When you all caps a word, like NO! It reads like the character is frantic (as in, out of their heads with confusion) or furious, or SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF THEIR LUNGS! (Like that.) It's best to let the text & punctuation tell the reader how a character feels, not by using uppercase letters. GOT IT?
: P

A fun read. I'm glad you found the time to write a Halloween tale. And a cleverly twisted tale at that!

dizzymomof3 said...

Thanks,
I will see what I can think of with the title. Good catch
Flash backs and grammer still my weakness. I will work on that.
Thanks -Alisa

Anonymous said...

"Is it that time again, I thought to myself?" - ? is in the wrong place. grammercheck doesn't know what it's talking about

"damaging tornado" - delete damaging. all tornados are that

"None the less" - one word

"He would say, “Mom let me do that for you.” as he would" - comma after mom. capitalize As

"I always appreciated it, but how would they have their privacy with me around." - ? at the end

"old ladies home" - lady's

"a timer on the lights maybe it" - comma after lights

"This home is gently loved like I am, and it is beginning to have its own creaks and moans." - loved like me. begin new sentence with It is.

"What’s this, my book has been closed again? I nearly forgot what page I am on. Madeline must have closed my book. She is a dear girl, but I wish as my daughter in law she wouldn’t do that. I am sure it’s to keep Sammy from coloring on, or tearing the pages." - What's this? My book... ...but I wish my daughter-in-law wouldn't... ...Sammy from tearing or coloring on the pages.

"mid day" - one word

"I better" - I had better/I'd better

"“Oh you are a sight for sore eyes”, I said. Madeline followed close behind dressed as a fair maiden. “Oh my, you all look wonderful. Where’s Charles?” I asked. Madeline looked at Sammy as he leaned toward the doorway and said, “ Daddy will be inside in a moment ” Madeline said. “I am so glad you all are here. I believe..." - each time a new person speaks should be a new paragraph

"over hear" - one word

"He can see me; why can’t they? “Son, I am here!” Charles turned his head, looking at Madeline he asked, “Did you hear something? What is that…I thought I heard a woman’s voice?” Charles returned with, “Did you turn on the music?” “NO!” she replied." - again break dialogue into paragraphs

there are a few more dialogue paragraphs near the end that need to be broken up

"Charles gained composure" - usually the term is regained

sorry about the grammer book. excellent story. i like it. i disagree with ken on the title. i think it's perfect. it reflects the last sentence

dizzymomof3 said...

Dialogue is very difficult for me to express. I will continue to work on it.
Thank-you for all the imput.
I am sorry that you all have to work so hard giving me feed back.
I am sure you all will really enjoy the day when I get better at this.
-Alisa

Ken Chandler said...

I give you high marks for wading in and doing it anyway Alisa. We know you don't have a lot of experience with writing, but love it. We all do, and are willing to work on it together, learn together. Keep at it. It gets easier.

Run your stories through a word processor's spell checker-- see what it suggests. Be aware that it's not perfect, it makes mistakes too.