There is nothing but grey whiteness. Of course, he has to admit to himself, this is because the snow is deeper than he is tall. He is a Dwarf.
Korth was tunneling more than trudging. Korth is dressed warmly in furs. Living in the northern mountains, has taught the Dwarves how to deal with the snow. Occasionally, he would come across an air pocket and the snow from above would bury him. He'd climb out and trudge until the snow was deep enough to tunnel again.
Although, his tunneling was different from that of other Dwarves. Instead of the scoops used to move and pack snow, Korth blows fire. The flames were such that they melt and ice the snow. This allows quick passage, and the ice prevents the snow from falling in.
Eventually, he came to a cave. A way in. He stamped the snow from his boots, brushed himself off and entered the tunnel in the back. Glowing light orbs clung to the ceiling about thirty apart.
He exited the tunnel into a large well-lit cavern, in which was a Dwarf town. He walked down one of the back streets and into a different tunnel. He came out of this second tunnel into a larger town that was half inside the cave, half outside. Through the large opening many of the Dwarf houses were buried in snow. There was a huge bonfire in the town square. Korth joined the crowd around it.
"Haven't seen this much snow in nearly five hundred years," said the wrinkled white-bearded Dwarf beside him.
Korth nodded. No use in arguing with the elderly. They remember their childhoods like it was happening now. Most of them lived it. Just last week he had seen an old grandmother crying because Suli took her jumprope.
He acquired a mug of hot cider and watched the snow fall outside. This time, he figured the old Dwarf was right. He had certainly never seen it snow like this.
Fara, his wife joined him. She was barely sorter than he was. "How was your trip?"
"Glad to see you're not snowed in." He gave her a quick peck on the cheek. To give her anything more would have been frowned upon by the other Dwarves around them. Dwarves don't believe in showing excess affection in public. "The snow isn't natural."
"What do you mean?"
"When I went to the next peak, there was only one cloud over our mountain, and it wasn't snowing."
"Then someone must be causing the snow."
"That's what I figured."
"Why would someone do that?"
"I have an inkling."
"You do?"
He nods. "I'm going just as soon as I finish this cider."
"I'll come with you."
They finished their drinks and returned their mugs. They tunneled to their house, gathered a few supplies, and tunneled back to the cavern. They went through another tunnel up the mountain.
After traveling for a long time, they came to the top of the mountain. There was an opening to the peak, through which could be seen a long golden tail.
"A Dragon!" said Fara.
Korth nods. "It's Guria."
Fara stares at him. "You know her?"
He nods and goes to the tail and tugs on it.
A moment later, a large golden head appears. Guria grins and comes the rest of the way into the cave. "Long time no see Korth," she said.
"Stop the snow."
"What? With not so much as a 'How do you do?'"
"I don't care how you do."
Her golden eyes flash. "There was a time you cared very much."
"That was before I found out what you were really like. Hungry for power, but gained it through petty torment of others."
Her eyes narrow. "You know what happens to evil Dragons."
Fara asks her husband, "What happens?"
"Dragons who become evil lose their power."
Guria glares at Fara. "This little Dwarf is what you have chosen over me?" she asks Korth.
"She uses her power to help others, not herself."
"Can she command the weather? Can she change shape?" Guria's claws dig into the rock, leaving deep grooves.
"She's an empath. She can heal others by giving of herself."
Guria's glare intensifies. "Then she can give by dying!" Guria's mouth opens and a ball of fire flares toward the two Dwarves.
Korth throws himself over his wife. Fara's eyes widen in fear and shock. She opens her mouth to say something. They hit the ground and they turn to stone. The fireball engulfs them.
Korth separates himself from his wife of stone. He grows in size and changes into a silver Dragon. "That is the way of it, is it? Fine."
He lunges at Guria. They tumble out of the cave and into the air. They tumble end over end in the air. They flame and claw each other. Guria becomes visibly weaker. She loses momentum and crashes. Avalanches cascade down the mountain. Korth lands next to her and brushes the snow off her face.
"It doesn't have to be this way," he said.
"You were born to rule the sky, not dwell in the earth," she said.
"I'm a silver Dragon. Stone is my life force."
There is a long pause. "Am I so evil that I have become weak?"
"You're only as evil as you choose to be."
"I loved you, Korth. I wanted us to be one."
"I know you did, but I made my choice. I love Fara. You can't want me to be one with you when my heart is elsewhere."
Tears trickle down her golden snout. "No."
He leaves her and flies back up to the cave where he had left Fara. Korth's eyes glow silver, and Fara is no longer stone.
"What happened?" she asks.
"Nothing much. The weather should return to normal now. Let's go home."
Elizabeth Williamson Copyright © 2008
4 comments:
Great idea for a story. I didn't see the end coming-- terrific twist!
• When you described what Korth saw, 'white everywhere' I thought he was looking out over the valley from a hill top, or some similar setting. I didn't suspect that he was tunneling.
• If the snow is over his head, he's probably not seeing much (let alone white), unless the sun is really bright overhead, and the snow is only an inch or so thick (above him). When you're deep under the snow it's gray at best. He's walking/tunneling through near darkness. I suspect that he's deep if the snow is only occasionally falling in on him.
He wasn't a short Dwarf, but he wasn't tall either.
• Reword... sounds amateurish.
Occasionally, he would come across an air pocket and the snow from above would bury him. He kept going.
• He kept going.(?)
"Haven't see this much snow in nearly five hundred years,"
• Haven't see(n)
There were glowing light orbs stuck to the ceiling every thirty feet or so. The tunnel wasn't used very often.
• Glowing orbs hung in the ceiling about 30 feet apart down the length of the tunnel.
He came out of this second tunnel into a larger town that was only half inside the cave.
• If the town was only half in the cave, where was the other half? Outside the cave?
Guria grins and brings the rest of her body into the cave.
• Crawls, walks, lumbers, into the cave?
I'm unclear about the dialogue concerning "This is who you've chosen over me?" Where did that come from? To what/or whom does it refer?
Guria's Mouth opens. A ball of fire emits from it.
• Strangely phrased. Can you make these two sentences one? Find a replacement word for 'emits'.
The fight could have been more explicit. More details of the fight. How do they do battle. Why was Korth stronger?
After Korth's transformation and the fight, it's unclear who's saying what because there's no He said, She said. Since it's just the two of them, you can start with He said, then she said, then leave off the 'saids' after that.
Cool story idea. I wonder about the back story of Korth, and why he lives among the Dwarves, as a dwarf.
I neglected to add that you're doing much better at adding details to your settings. Having the characters act while the scene plays out. Terrific work all 'round.
i cleaned it up and i think it answers all your questions. dragons are able to change their shape. Korth lives with the dwarves because his wife, Fara, is a dwarf.
yay improvement! it's about time. many descriptions i don't bother with because i assume the reader is able to picture it in their mind. but things like a different world needs background information in order to be better appreciated. with settings that are more familiar, like a living room, i figure the reader knows what they look like.
Some nice changes, and yes, you are becoming more aware of setting, and allowing your characters to 'act' in a scene, rather than just letting the dialogue to the acting for them. Nicely done!
Here are just a few more thoughts I had as I re-read your story (some of this is just my ranting/ thinking out loud):
"There was nothing but grey whiteness. Of course, he had to admit to himself, this was because the snow was deeper than he was tall. He was a Dwarf."
• I like these changes, but I wonder if you could push this idea even further? Explain to the reader how he's tunneling. Dwarves are very strong, built for tunneling, but does he have tools designed specifically for tunneling through snow? Does he wear goggles? A waterproof parka, or animal skins that repel both cold and water? Is he immune to the cold? These are just a few ideas that could get the reader into the scene, help us visualize what he's doing, and wearing. Do Dwarves have a natural sense of direction? Can they know without seeing, where they are-- where the next tunnel or cave is in relation to where they are? Do they have an inner compass?
"She uses her power for the beneficence of others, not herself."
• Beneficence of others? Why not just say, 'to benefit others'? ... or "help others"?
"Can she command the weather? Can she change?"
• Is there another way to say change? this idea (of what the change is) is unclear until later when Korth 'changes' into a dragon himself. Is she 'in his face', agitated, is she flaring her nostrils, extending her wings behind her, scratching the ground, twitching her tail? These or similar actions can give the reader a sense of her emotional state.
"Korth throws himself over his wife. They hit the ground and they turn to stone. The fireball harmlessly blows past them."
• What's his wife's response to him grabbing her/ to seeing the fireball coming at them? Does the fireball miss them? Or are they engulfed, but unharmed? Is the stone they change into enchanted? How does stone (natural or enchanted) respond to heat? Is there a way to make this one (or two) sentence(s) instead of three?
Korth separates himself from Fara. She is still stone.
• Is there another way to say this? ...make two sentences one?
He left her and flew back up to the cave where he left Fara. Korth released her from her stone encasement.
* Was she 'encased', or 'turned into' stone (her whole body, inside and out)? (If she was in a cocoon of stone, how did she breathe? Surely she'd be terrified to find herself wrapped in a shell of stone, unable to move, but still conscious.) What is her reaction to coming out of the change? Does she realize that she's been changed to (or encased in) stone? or is there just an unconsciousness that comes over her when she's in the stone encasement?
There is a long pause. "Am I so evil that I have become weak?"
"You're only as evil as you choose to be."
* Thinking out loud, but doesn't she realize that her actions are hurting others? That she's becoming evil? Obviously, the way she's using her powers is making her weaker? And simultaneously, if she is growing weaker, how is she able to generate so much snow-- cause so much mayhem among the Dwarves?
And is she causing trouble for the Dwarves to spite Korth, her lost lover? This idea is never explained. Though it's eluded to, in not so many words. Can you clarify?
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