by Ken Chandler
Copyright © 2008
The clock winked into non-existence with a faint pop. Mallory looked on, her mouth agape. The book she was holding fell to the floor with a thud.
“How did you…?” she stammered, pointing to the void where the clock had been then turned to gape at the stranger.
“Trade secret,” he said. Waving his hand in a flourish. “I’d tell you, but then you’d have no choice but to become one of us. I confess, there are worse things, but your social calendar goes right down the toilet.”
“I… uh…,” Mallory stammered trying to conjure up the words to express her confusion but nothing came to mind.
“I understand,” he said. He pulled his goggles away from his startlingly blue eyes, and placed them on top of his leather flyers cap, the elastic band holding them in place. “I was in your shoes, once upon a time. The mind does funny things when impossible stuff happen right before your eyes. Mine did. So if you feel a nervous breakdown coming on, don’t hold back, just go with it.”
“Bu… Su…,” Mallory attempted to form her thoughts, but came up short.
“Okay, don’t try to talk, just listen,” the man said, waving a hand in front of him as if batting her ramblings out of the air in front of him. He edged nearer to her and she flinched.
He bent lower so that they were eye to eye and said. “You are listening?”
Mallory nodded jerkily. The man smiled genially. “Good. Now listen carefully because I only have a few minutes to share some very important information with you, then I have to go away for a while.”
There was a pause, and Mallory translated this into a prompt for a sign that she was ‘getting it’. She nodded furtively.
“Okay. Now, I need you to find a safe place, a hole, or a floorboard... some place..." he glance around the room, as if by doing so, he might locate the perfect spot, "where nobody will think to look. And I need you to hide… this,” and with another flourish he held up a small round black orb.
“A… a... black… marble?” Mallory looked perplexed.
“Oh no, my dear. This is much more than a marble,” his eyes flashed with an intensity that Mallory had never seen before. She stared into those intense eyes, captivated by them. “Men have died trying to possess it, and I fear that many more will,” he hesitated. “I’ve said too much.” He waved a gloved hand in the air again, making Mallory blink and wince. “Just know this… men will die for it, and kill.”
“Me?” Mallory said straightening up with a jerk. “Now wait just a minute!” She stood, forcing him to stand, and take a step back. Mallory paced the floor stiffly. “I never asked for this…,” she gesticulated, looking for the word, “privilege.”
“I know,” the stranger said soothingly, his blue eyes looking furtively into hers, “but millions of lives depend on your cooperation.”
Mallory stopped pacing but couldn’t meet those eyes, she stared blankly at the floor instead. “Millions?” her voice was distant, hundreds of thousands of miles away. The pause that filled the space between them was a solid thing. Tangible.
Swaying slightly she reached out and found the arm of her easy chair, she stumbled forward, siting down deliberately. She met his eye, “What do I need to do?”
The Clock Winked
by Ken Chandler
Copyright © 2008
9 comments:
paragraph 2 change you're to your
hah! it's classic! and i want to know what the marble was. this could break out into a very interestingly funny story. i love the way mallory can't manage to complete a sentence
"but then you’d have no choice to become one of us" this is missing a word...but? or maybe it's in the wrong place? try it before become
"“I understand.” He said,..." this is one sentence. comma after understand and he instead of He
"leather satchel on his side." it's attached to him?
"“I’ve been in your shoes..." try i was in your...
"“Don’t try to talk, just listen.” The man said,..." again one sentence
"...and said. “You are listening?”" ditto
"The man smiled genially. “Okay." ditto
"And with another flourish..." delete "and" and the random quote mark at the end of the sentence
"“I know.” The stranger..." one sentence
"furtively. “But millions..." ditto
"“Millions?” Her voice..." ditto her instead of Her
i got nitty gritty there. sorry. i really like this piece. good job on the idiosyncratic flourishes. it gives character to the character
YOU:
“I understand.” He said,..." this is one sentence. comma after understand and he instead of He.
ME:
I do this a lot. Thanks for pointing it out to me. One day it'll sink in and I won't keep repeating my mistakes.
YOU:
"...leather satchel on his side." it's attached to him?
ME:
As a matter of fact, yes! Is that okay with you? ; )
YOU:
i got nitty gritty there. sorry. i really like this piece. good job on the idiosyncratic flourishes. it gives character to the character.
ME:
It's in the details Beth. And I sincerely appreciate you noticing the little things that might otherwise throw my writing into ill repute with the hoity-toity Literate Crowd. Ha!
Oh, and I've made some revisions. Feel free to re-read it, but you don't need to go to any trouble. Unless there's something really ugly that I ought to know about.
Thanks for your thoughts guys! ...er, Beth.
"“Trade secret,” he said. Waving his hand in a flourish of movement." this is all one sentence not two
I am ME not you
I read Eric's first. I read Beth's next. I commented on them. I haven't read this one yet, but I couldn't resist the opportunity to comment on title! "KEN'S" clock winked? Does that mean Ken's Klock needs Kleaning?
(heh, heh, heh)
MW
The title I borrowed from Ms. Woolfs suggestion. If it'd given it a 'real'title, it might have been more like "Out Of Time" or "Mallory's Nervous Breakdown" or something like that.
And yes, my Klock does need Kleaning from time to time. Are you up the task?
A mysterious writing! It kind of feels like a cliff-hanger. Readers would want the next chapter! Of course, I saw the end of your writing coming up fast, and I wondered how it could possibly end in time, before we ran out of words to read. But then, she got to where everyone else was, so maybe it was an ending after all.
A couple spots needed perhaps a little cosmetic fixing.
It held my attention!
M
I've re-re posted this. Yes, two years later. Drew and I were reading a few posts after he posted his own, and I found some things about each of my stories that I'd like to change-- so I started at the beginning (with my first story post).
Not sure it's any better than it was, but then, I like a smidgen better... so it's a start.
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