i know i haven't posted in awhile. this one is actually for the previous topic. it's not too exciting but here it is.
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The store owner wave his spoon in the air after me as I ran down the sidewalk with the apples in my arms. I darted around the next corner and across the street then stopped behind a stack of boxes. My chest was tight, trying to catch my breath after that sprint.
That particular store owner has caught me before but never did anything about it. Just yelling and waving that wooden spoon at me to scare me off. It's not like I was stealing the most valuable thing to him. But food was valuable to me. I reached into my coat pocket and pulled out a tattered bag and put the apples I valued into it. This wouldn't be much of dinner but it was better that nothing.
My breathing had calmed and I started moving again. Back out onto the main street of the market. Eying things and my mouth watering at things that I knew I wanted but couldn't have. Knowing that other sellers were not so kind as to just scaring me off. It was too much of a risk with some people, they were just trying to survive as I was. It was unlikely that I would be lucky twice in one day. So I wiped my mouth and headed for home.
It was only a few streets away, but most likely a place where few people thought of to look for street urchins. But it was close enough to the market so we knew we had access to things that my 'family' and I needed. The theatre had been shut down for several years now. There were plans to fix it up but the city was so slow on plans that it would be even longer before anything was done about it.
It looked like I was the first one home. I had to wait for everyone else before I could dig into my treasure. I laid down on my mattress, made up of old seat cushions, to wait for them. I doze off to a blissfull sleep dreaming of dinner with apples.....
2 comments:
nice. i could feel the panic in the beginning. is this an excerpt? i can feel the larger story encompassing it.
a suggestion - read it out loud. do you pause in places where there is no punctuation? try putting a comma in those places. don't start sentences with contractions unless it's extremely important. or the clause is included later.
again, nice story
A fun adventure tale. Reminds me of the classic tale 'Oliver Twist'.
The store owner wave his spoon...
• wave(d)
It's not like I was stealing the most valuable thing to him.
• This makes sense, but needs to be reworded, esp. "to him."
• Why didn't heshe put the apples into the bag, before fleeing the scene of the crime?
He risked dropping the apples he was stealing. I assume he/she stole about 3-5 (?).
• Did the Shop Owner chase him/her, or wave a spoon at him/her? Did he yell anything?
This wouldn't be much of dinner but it was better than nothing.
• This wouldn't be much of a dinner(,) but... (comma)
• Weren't some of the other gang members also stealing stuff for dinner?
It was too much of a risk with some people, they were just trying to survive as I was.
• Do you mean the store owners, or other people living like your 'Street Rat' (like your character)?
I doze off to a blissful sleep dreaming of dinner with apples.
• Suggestion: I doze(d) off (into) a blissful sleep, and (dreamt) of (a delicious) dinner of (apple pie, apple fritters, apple sauce, apple turnovers, apple ?.)
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