Delemetre travels the servants’ passages to Lord Eliv’s room. She listens outside the door. There are voices inside. A groan. Silence.
Delemetre waits for a moment, and slowly opens the door.
“Good afternoon.”
Delemetre jumps slightly, recomposes herself, and turns a cool look to Eliv. “Good afternoon, My Lord.”
He is blocking her view of the room. “Looking for something?”
“I got lost in the passage. I was looking for my master.”
“You are the servant of the other guest, Lord Talor. Come. I will take you to him.”
He steps even closer. Delemetre pretends to drop something and bends to pick it up. She sees the legs and feet of someone lying on the floor behind Eliv.
“Come on, Girl.”
She stands, looking him directly in the eye. “Who is that?” She shoves Eliv aside to see the face of the corpse. It is just another one of Eliv’s thugs. No one she knows. Blood is leaking from a stab wound in his chest.
Eliv grabs her arm in a vice-like grip, and pulls her into the room. “I am sorry, but now that you have seen him, I must insist that you join him.”
Delemetre turns her cool, angry face to his; lightning flashes in her eyes. “You are despicable. You have no respect for life. The ghosts of the countless people you have killed scream for justice.” He twinges slightly at her intense gaze, “Oh, yes, I can hear them. The more you kill, the louder they become. One day, you will find yourself alone with them, and they will have their revenge.”
Delemetre twists free of his grip. Kicks him, and darts from the room. Eliv gets to his feet, screams with rage, and follows.
Elizabeth Williamson Copyright © 2008
6 comments:
A strong willed woman in one of your stories, what a surprise!
Nice set up. I'm sure there's more story here, but again, you leave us hanging. Too many details that are not available.
I don't understand her motivation. Why is she 'actually' there?
Why is he despicable for having no regard for life, but the dead henchman, in her eyes is no big deal? Kettle calling the pot black?
Rather than 'say' that he's blocking the view of the room, describe it.
More setting. What's the room look like? What do they look like? Is the room a dungeon, a cafeteria, a bathroom? We can't become intimate with a place and people we can't see.
Nice play on the word Evil. :P
How did Delemetre shove Eliv aside when she's near his knees. (You didn't describe her standing up to face him.)
And yes, I read that they are in Eliv's room, my point is that we don't know if there are curtains pulled over the window to hide the secret murder, or is there a window? Is there a table in his room a mirror, a bed, or does he sleep hanging from a rod attached to the ceiling? Is the room decorated simply, or gaudily? These things paint a picture of who he is, how he lives, his tastes, or the tastes of the Lord of the manor.
ok this is delemetre from the character map and they are in the eleven palace from my setting exercise.
it's an excerpt so no all the info is not there. i stated in the theme i wanted a scene. if it's the whole story great but in this case excerpts are great too.
actually eliv is vile spelled backwards. ha
she has her reasons for being there. she's been spying on him quite a bit
i always fail on setting. i guess i don't know how to integrate it. i will try to fix it and do better in future
I get it. Vile! I should have known. No, not really, I'm not that clever.
I understand what this exercise is supposed to be. I want to know more, not all.
Just give us hints, either in the narration or in the dialogue between the characters.
• Who is he?
• Who is she, and why is she a threat to him?
• Why did he kill his henchman?
The rest is icing.
You've got 1,000 words to give us some idea of what's going on. By my count you've only used up 289.
I know it's not easy to work the setting in, but it just makes reading so much more enjoyable, and easier to imagine.
Besides, we're supposed to be growing as writers. Stretching ourselves all in the name of one day getting a prestigious award, or better yet, getting published.
You do good work Beth, and you have some incredible ideas. Keep working at it. You'll get there. (We both will.)
Me: excerpt- excellent!
By the excerpt I was emotionally drawn in wanting to read more.
I wish I could get a better picture in my head of the characteristics of the characters.
Hair,posture,shoes, no shoes, etc.
?Question: Was this story line something you go back to often in this blog?
If so, I need to go back further and read more. I am intrigued.
-Alisa
this character was the one i mapped in may and the place was the setting i described for the following topic. so far on this blog this is the only excerpt. i have more story that i have written and much more in my head.
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