TABLOID: Bigfoot vs. Aliens!

BIGFOOT VS. ALIENS! HAIRY HERO DEFENDS HOME TURF AGAINST SPACE INVADERS!
Real 'fiction' story by Ken Chandler


“Ben Stoopin and I were out north of Shepherd’s Pines, just there near the shores of Lake Hoopincoff,” reported amateur hunter, Woody Stumps. “We was on a fishin’ expedition, and we’d brung along our dogs, Curly-- that was Ben’s, and my two, Moe and Larry; just in case there was any wild game to be had. We was just settling in for the night, so we could get up real early and catch us some salmon, when the dogs just went crazy. They was yowlin’ and barkin’ like there was no tomorrow. And when the bright lights came down out from the treetops, we thought, ‘Sure enough, the end IS nigh!’, but, sure enough, we was wrong.”

What it was that Woody Stumps and Ben Stoopin saw, according to their detailed report, was a flying saucer. After it landed, not far from their campsight, eight little green men with large black eyes, and extraordinarily large heads came out of the craft and shot Moe, Larry, and Curly, with a freeze ray. Then they turned their guns on the men.

“It was like I was awake, but I couldn’t move nothin, ‘cept my eyes,” Ben reported. “I was all rigid, as if somebody strapped me to a board”

Two human-sized floating trays were brought down out of the saucer and the two helpless hunters were placed on them. But before the aliens could return to the ship with their cargo, the aliens stopped and looked around with strange expressions on their faces.

“Then we heard it too,” Woody said, “They must’a had real good hearin’ cause they heard him comin’ way before us.”
“The woods explodes, and out popped ole Sasquatch himself.” Ben said. “An’ he was real mad too. Not sure what about though, ‘lest he was mad about the aliens abducting his kin. We do smell a lot alike, and all. And we’re both pretty hairy, cept, Woody wears a size 15 shoe, so that might’a been it.”

“Bigfoot, he made short work of ‘em.” Woody said, gesticulating wildly. “He was tossin’ ‘em around the woods like they was rag dolls. Even bit a few of ‘em when they tried to grab him. After only about a minute or two, half of ‘em were unconscious, and the others were hobblin’ back to their ship.”

Still unable to move, the two men looked on in wonder as the hairy goliath picked them up, one under each arm and walked into the woods where it deposited them near a tree.

“We was sure glad when he dumped us by that tree,” Woody said. “I thought we stunk bad, but he was riper than a fresh cow turd in August. If I could’a moved at all, I’da pinched my nose closed tight, and held my breath ‘till I passed out.”

The Bigfoot monster then walked back toward the site of the botched abduction. What the men heard next sent shivers down their spine.

“First there was this terrible roar, sorta like a lion or a bear, only more human,” Ben said. “Then there was more crashing and high pitched chattering, like what came from the aliens before, during the fighting.”

“Then there was this whirring sound, and it disappeared into the sky,“ Woody said, pointing skyward. “And the lights disappeared too. The way we figure it, the Aliens scooped up their injured and dead, and took off to greener pastures.”
“And good riddance!” added Ben.

It wasn’t long before the effects of the freeze ray wore off and Woody Stumps and Ben Stoopin were able to reclaim their dogs, pack up their gear and head for home. They never saw the monster again, but the events of that night will live forever in their memories.
“Bigfoot is a true-blue Patriot!” Woody said, “He saved our lives!”


DISCLAIMER:
Based on real events that may, or may not, have been conceived by the sleep-deprived mind of Ken Chandler. All animals, Bigfoots, and/or aliens; real or imagined; were not injured in the creation of this preposterous story.

Headline taken from the Weekly World News
Website: http://citynewsstand.com/TopTen.htm