Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Elements: Part I

Ken Chandler
Copyright © 2008
http://golemchronicles.blogspot.com
golemhunter@hotmail.com


Elements (Part 1 of 2)
By Ken Chandler


A hulking broad shouldered man, his hands calloused with years of toil, strode with measured and lengthy strides along the massive causeway of stone. A young dark-skinned girl scurried at his side, her bare feet padding the wet stone beneath her. Long ringlets of tawny hair bounced lightly as she jogged along. Twenty feet ahead of them expansive boulders broke through the great frothing waters; twenty feet behind, they again sank slowly beneath the waves.

The man smiled easily, his brown eyes wrinkling at their corners as he told the girl tale after tale of his life and adventures. She occasioned a glance at him to show that she was listening, but said nothing. Several hours ago, the man had seen the first peaks of the shallow mountains that adorned the highest points of the island, now he could see the lush green of the jungle, its craggy cliffs. When they were within 100 yards of the white of its beaches the man and the girl noticed that the skies began to darken, and the wind to pick up noticeably. As they walked down the cool stone incline to the beach he placed a strong hand on the girl’s head. Turning her eyes toward him, she acknowledged his gesture and reached up to place a small cool hand on his. He smiled down at her reassuringly and looking back at her took several long strides inland. He stopped and glanced around the island, then started toward the cliffs a knowing grin played about his lips. Seeing that he was putting some distance between them, the girl hopped over the hot sands of the beach following the deep impressions of the man’s boots in the sand.

After he’d gone several hundred yards up the beach, large boulders jutted upward and tiered in layers like giant steps toward the peaks overhead. Off to his left he could hear a roaring waterfall crashing into a crystal blue pond. He stopped and cupped his hands around his mouth. The girl had perched on a shallow stone outcropping, lowered her head, winced, and cupped her ears with both hands. The singular word, “BROTHER!” sounded like a cannon shot. It echoed off distant canyon walls. Numerous birds took flight over the canopy of trees to the southwest, cawing and squawking in their surprise and annoyance.

The girl glanced around warily, her ears perked for a response. When no reply came she looked to the large man and shrugged mutely. The man threw his head back and laughed lustily, his hands on his hips. His large barrel chest and wide shoulders heaving as he guffawed. When he was through, he turned to the girl and said warmly, “Did you think your uncle would simply amble up the beach with his arm outstretched, rejoicing to see his own flesh and blood?” The warmth in his smile faded, and was replaced with an expression of grief, “the murdering coward.”
“Murderer,” A voice came from above, it sounded contemplative,” Yes, I suppose that is apt, but a coward? Surely you know me better than that.” The tall thin man, though equal in height to the large man so firmly planted on the ground, was about one quarter his girth. His tailor made suit with vertical stripes exaggerated his already too thin frame. He stood in the air, 15 feet above the ground, suspended airborne as the wind howled around him, tossing his golden short-cropped hair, and causing his coat and trouser legs to whip about him playfully. He had the air of a banker who’d just stepped out into a windstorm. The grin the large man had worn before, spread back over his pleasant face. “Eddy! What’s this I’ve heard you’ve been doing with yourself? By hooking up with gangsters, and then killing them all in a bid to gain control of the Cartels? I knew you didn’t play nice, but that’s taking things too far.”
A sneer crossed Eddy’s face. “Don’t act so self-righteous, Henge. You’d have done the same thing in my position.”
Henge, blanched, he looked at the bronze girl, whose face was set, and she nodded No! He turned back to his brother. “You know I wouldn’t.” He swelled with indignation. “I’ve always honored life over all else.”
“Except mine.” His sneer changed to malice. “You did come here to kill me, didn’t you brother?”
“That decision,” Henge seemed to deflate slightly, “was made for me, not by me.”
“By the Council then, I suppose,” he muttered something that Henge took to be ‘arrogant pinheads…’
“You had as much to do with that conclusion as anybody, Eddy.” Henge spoke loudly and boldly. “When you decided to use your talents to slaughter all those men and women, you decided your fate, and the outcome.”
“Ah yes, now let me think,” he fingered his mouth while looking heavenward, as if giving his full attention to the thought, “the decree to live among men, and to use our power to aid them.”
“And never to do them harm. Except under the most unusual circumstances.” Henge finished.
Eddy waved a hand, as if swatting at a fly, “Phah! They were all criminals. Everyone in that room would have killed me without blinking,” He raised his index finger high into the air, his expression a leering smile, “if they thought they could have walked away with the contents of my wallet. They were the vilest of sinners, they deserved to die.”
“That wasn’t your choice to make.” Henge’s voice thundered. “And now that you’ve made that choice,” his voice broke into a sob. “I have to do the thing that I knew would invariably be mine…” he broke off, unable to complete the thought.
“Take heart brother,” Eddy smiled coldly, “if I have my way, you’ll be dead, and I’ll have spared you any guilt you may feel at my death.” At these words the wind became violent, simultaneously he pulled several darts out of his pocket and aimed them at Henge. As quick at thought the darts flew toward Henge’s heart. A moment before they struck, a wall of stone shot up into the space between them and their target. They sunk deep into the stone with a loud metallic thud. A cascade of pebbles trickled down the face of the stone where the darts had struck, as if they were blood from a wound.
“Ah! That delightful talent of yours for manipulating stone.” He stroked his chin with a dagger-like fingernail. “It won’t save you… in the end.”
“Don’t underestimate me.” Henge said soberly. Stepping forward as the wall of stone melted back into the beach, he reached out and broke off two watermelon-sized chunks. With deft movements he hurled first one stone, than the other. The first missed its target as Eddy launched himself backward and vertically into the air, the second he dodged at the last possible second, but which was so close that it tore the jacket away, a horrible shredding sound rent the air. Henge smiled when he saw Eddy floating in the air 25 feet ahead of him. All that was left of the suit were its two sleeves.
“That suit jacket…” Eddy said, loathing in every syllable “was hand tailored by Gregorri Favrotini,” he tore away one of the sleeves and hurled it to the ground. “That suit jacket cost me $10,800. It was a one of a kind. Irreplaceable!” He tore away the other sleeve and hurled it to the ground to join its companion. With hands outstretched at his sides, each finger forming a claw, Eddy channeled all his power into a tsunami wind that tore into Henge who at first stood leaning into the tempest; within moments however he found his foothold insufficient as he slid and he slid backward a few feet, then felt it give way altogether. He was launched airborne at incredible speed. He braced for the inevitable impact. It came all to soon. He was slammed into the cliff wall, where he slid eight feet to the base. His legs buckled, and he fell forward onto his hands and knees gasping and attempting to regain his breath.

Eddy's satisfied smirk hardened into malice and rage as he channeled his energy into the loose boulders and stones that lined the base of the cliff. The dazed Hendge, only just managing to stand, by bracing himself against the cliff wall let out a scream of terror, it was snuffed out by a dozen man-sized boulders. The tempest hurled several tons more debris onto the fallen hero. The winds subsided to a whisper, and then all was still.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

"He smiled down at her reassuringly and looking back at her took several long strides inland." - put in some commas

"it sounded contemplative,” Yes, I suppose that is apt," - move "

"15 feet above the ground" - spell out 15

"and she nodded No!" - nods are yeses, put a comma in

"circumstances.” Henge finished." - comma in the quote

"killed me without blinking,” He raised his index finger high into the air, his expression a leering smile, “if they thought " - if you are dividing the quote sentence then he not He

"“That wasn’t your choice to make.” Henge’s voice thundered." - comma at end of quote

"that choice,” his voice broke into a sob. “I have to do" - comma after sob

"“Don’t underestimate me.” Henge said soberly." - another comma

"tsunami wind that tore into Henge who at first stood leaning into" - add commas

"within moments however he found his foothold" - commas

"The dazed Hendge, only" - misspelling

"by bracing himself against the cliff wall let out a scream of terror, it was snuffed out by a dozen" - comma after wall - period after terror

you have long mucky action. the sentences are too long. when writing action, sentences need to be short and concise. so the reader feels the build up of tension. if the sentences are long the words get in the way and the air seeps out of the balloon. short sentences fill the balloon to breaking point. the reader holds their breath and POW! the climax of the scene.

you did something here that you complained about in one of my stories. the character names aren't inro'd right away. you wait for dialogue to do it. if it's ok for you to do it then why not me?

good story. but like i said i didn't fell the POW! nor the balloon swell so big the POW! was inevitable. short sentences convey emotion. long ones merely convey information. as a reader i could take the second part or leave it without the tension builder... i'll read it of course, but keep that in mind. long sentences will lose your reader's concern for the character during action sequences

sorry that was so long. it was enjoyable to read

Ken Chandler said...

This is good information, thank you. I know the rules-- for the most part, but it's good to have reminders.

Thanks for your willingness to tell me like it is, rather than brushing the surface and saying "It's super!". If it's not, I want to know it, so I can make it better. I'll see what I can do to improve it. It may take a bit of time to do that, but I'll get back to it soon. Thanks Beth!

dizzymomof3 said...

Nice!
I will leave comment for the second part.
I agree about long sentances -
the descriptions are good to know what the scene would be like in a movie. -(written like a play writer)
It read like I was pre-viewing a movie. -Alisa

Masquerade Andrea said...

Great description and adjective use. You excel at this. Work on comma use and paragraph placement. Each conversation should begin a new paragraph. You like to make LONG sentences. Somtimes shorter sentences can be more clear and,therefore, more powerful.

Ken Chandler said...

Many thanks Andrea. 'Preciate your comments. Shorter, more clear sentences... got it.

Thanks everyone for your feedback. It makes a difference.