by Ken Chandler
Exhausted from his effort, Eddy stumbled forward, laughing and panting alternately. As he neared the mound where his brother lay buried, he heard a scraping of stone against stone. Eddy stopped laughing. Boulders shifted, rose and fell, making way for the haggard and broken form of Henge. With one last groan he rose unsteadily to his feet, swayed drunkenly, and fell headlong down the face of the boulder field and laying face down on the beach. His breathing was now a mere whisper, and his body rose and fell only slightly.
Eddy's own breath came in ragged wheezes as he walked toward the broken man before him. “You are not much longer for this world, brother.”
A breeze grew into a gale, but died suddenly as Henge’s young companion darted between the two men. The girls jaw was set and she held her arms out wide to prevent Eddy from approaching.
“I'd almost forgotten... you must be the daughter,” Eddy said, glancing at the prone figure over her shoulder, “I got news of you, though I’d heard you’d died with your mother in delivery. Cruel fate. A mute then? Too bad really, I won’t have the pleasure of hearing you scream like your father.”
A gale force wind tore into her but she withstood the blow, even having the nerve to step toward Eddy. He increased the velocity of the wind, and she took another step forward.
Eddy, terror in his eyes redoubled his effort, now sending tons of beach sand into the girl who disappeared into the storm.
After a time, Eddy collapsed, utterly spent, onto his hands and knees. The winds died and the sands rained down onto the beach. Eddy’s eyes widened, and a gurgling choke rose in this throat as the alien figure before him took one last step forward. All the girl’s features, most of her torso, and any refining details had been worn away to reveal that she was merely a construct of stone, now polished to a glassy sheen by the storm. Manipulator of stone. Eddy though silently, the idea dawning on him too late.
In the core of her chest was a faint glowing light. Her glassy faceless head looked down at the orb whose light reflected off the smooth surface. Fingerless hands plucked the glowing orb out and extended it toward Eddy who arched back in fear. A scream started, but was drowned in the rush of light and wind that burst from his chest and was absorbed into the crystal sphere. Within moments the light faded until it was merely a pleasant pulse in the core of the orb.
The fingerless hands replaced the orb into the hole in her chest, and looked down at the lifeless man before her. A shadow fell over the stone girl and large hands rested on either of her worn away shoulders.
Henge sighed, “Never before have twins been so vastly different as we, dear brother.” Henge raised a hand and the ground dropped away under the prone figure that was his brother. Sand filled the open grave in a rush, and then was still. Another wave of his hand was met with a vast, and ornately carved, cool gray grave marker rising from the, which was inscribed with the words:
Maelstrom "Eddy" Ophemus: Wind Rider
Rest in Peace Dear Brother
Rest in Peace Dear Brother
The behemoth man strode away toward the ocean again, his shoulders slumped slightly, and his smile gone entirely. As he neared the beach, a great stone causeway divided the crashing waves and extended down into the sands of the beach at his feet. He had ascended the height of the causeway when he stopped suddenly and turned toward the unmoving polished stone figure. A hint of a smile crept back onto his face, and his brown eyes twinkled.
The figure stooped and gathered up large handfuls of sand. She splashed the sand onto her face, which was instantly that of the young girl who’d accompanied him to his trip to the island. She trotted up the beach to his side. He knelt down and looked into her amber eyes, and gently cupped her cool cheek in his powerful hand.
“My dear sweet child,” Henge's voice was repentant, “in my grief I’d almost forgotten. And who would I tell all my stories to, if not for you?”
She smiled, seemed to consider his words, shrugged, and pointed at herself.
Henge laughed out loud.
“Did I ever tell you about my daughter? She would be exactly your age if she had lived. She had the most beautiful hazel eye, exactly like yours, in fact.”
Looking up into his face, she took his large warm hand in her cool grip, and together they started off over the causeway, toward home.
Ken Chandler
Copyright © 2008
http://golemchronicles.blogspot.com
golemhunter@hotmail.com
8 comments:
Ken,
I liked your theme.You were very thoughtful about the scenes and characters.
I enjoyed the "Brother" Scene- the cannon shot was very visual to me.
Concerns in content:
It took me a moment to get a complete picture of what the story was trying to convey.Some of the descriptions didn't follow your characters.
- Air of a banker ... I understood what you were saying.[I just don't get bankers and mythological character together].
- What really threw me was the ganster and cartels reference; there was no other reference to go by.
They were God like and there was a reference to the counsel - and vilest of sinners. However, I don't understand gansters and cartels in this reference with such God like characters??
- Fingered his mouth - [there may be a better term to explain the way he touched his mouth??
--- I loved the overall tone and concept of the story. It was very theatrical and the thought behind the story was grand in proportion to the topic.
--- I would not have a difficult time seeing it as a Clash of a Titans style movie or production.
--- Personally I would like to see where else you could have taken these characters, and me, as the reader, if you had written maybe 3,000 words.
- wow! Alisa :)
"Manipulator of stone. Eddy though silently," - eddy thought? put a comma after stone.
"grave in a rush, and then was" - delete and
henge created the girl? cool. so she had a glowing stone in her chest that she took out?
good story. sorry it so long to get to it.
Thanks Alisa!
It took me a while to get it down on paper. I'm fairly happy with the end result, but obviously, there's room for improvement.
I'm curious for specifics about which descriptions didn't fit with the characters, I had a very clear picture of who they were, how they acted; even toward each other. Can you give me examples?
This story is a modern tale with beings who control the elements as the main characters (earth and air in this case). It is not a Mythological story set in Rome in 1200 B.C. So they ride buses, and make calls on cell phones; they just happen to have control over the elements.
As a youth, Eddy was a scoundrel, as a young man he mixed with Mobsters, and soon took over a Cartel. Later, he took over the Cartels by killing all the Mob Bosses, their wives, children, and henchmen. And, that is in the story, but maybe I need to elaborate. Eddy, as an Elemental, was responsible for aiding mankind (those who are weaker than himself) and instead he killed them. He was the vilest of sinners. The Council (the gods) knew about his fall, and sent Henge after him, and supplied him with the orb that took Eddy's power and his life.
The Island itself is timeless, it has no population, so I can see why you may have been confused about the setting, and time of the story.
Hope that helps to answer your questions. If not, be sure to ask more. I'll try to fix the story the best way I can. If you'd like, I can e-mail you a copy when it's fixed. (If I ever get it done.) :)
Thanks for your positive feedback, it'll help me know better how to address the issues this story has. This is what I want! I hope more people will be willing to give me input on my stories, 'cause that's what helps me improve my work. Many thanks!
Ken
Beth,
I'm glad the idea that Henge created the girl from stone was clear. I think in my first draft that point was not as clear, I re-wrote it to make sure that point was more clear. Glad it worked.
I explained in my letter to Alisa, that the crystal orb was given to him by the Council (the gods) in order to stop Eddy's reign of terror. The orb took his power over air, and his life.
Henge hid the orb inside 'Terra' (the girl) in order to get close enough to Eddy to use the orb. He knew Eddy would consider the girl as no threat to him whatsoever. This was his downfall. If Eddy had known Henge had the orb, he would have flown away, rather than risk everything by staying to fight. Henge knew this, and used the girl as a lure.
Eddy made the fatal decision of figuring that his brother was weak and simple minded because he was kindhearted. He didn't see Henge as a credible threat. Eddy even made the mistake of using Henge's own element against him. (Henge play acted being hurt by the boulders that Eddy tossed at him, in case that wasn't clear.)
If you're interested I'll send the revised draft to you when I get it done. I'd like to get your feedback, again, on the final draft.
Ken,
Your explaination is great;
as in my comment. If I explain my
thoughts... this might help.
In your introduction to your characters they begin in a jungle
not in a city jungle. Mountains and
not city buildings. So the character looking like a banker threw me off.
I think if your character entered in introduction somewhere in a city or metropolitan environment I would have quickly understood him.Then being transported to where his brother was on a deserted island - mountainous region would make more sense where the action takes place.
I hope this helps explain my misunderstanding. - Alisa
Alisa,
A more likely approach, considering how I started my story, might be a flashback to their lives before this event.
Thanks for your feedback and for explaining your confusion. Sorry for that. I'll try to clarify those points when I fix it.
Ken
1st paragraph is unclear "and laying face down" . . . perhaps use "resting face down"?
2nd paragraph could possibly use "redoubled his effort by sending" which may make it a more clear sentence.
5th paragraph, 1st sentence - the way it's written it says the fingerless hands looked down at the lifeless man. By adding "and SHE looked down" it clarifies that the girl is looking and not the hands.
Last sentence before the headstone marker would be more clear and strong if written in two sentences as follows: "Another wave of his hand was met with a vast and ornately carved cool gray grave marker rising from the (beach). It was inscribed with the words:"
Just needs some grammatical attention.
You have a fabulous imagination and can animate things well. Good conversations amongst characters. Well described and consistent. Lively figures and good storyline. Good climax and resolution. Keep up the good work.
Thanks Andrea, I appreciate your kind words and your corrections.
I fear that in the learning process, I put too much emphasis on the creative, and not enough on the grammar. I learn as I go, in theory anyway. :)
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